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Writer's picturePaige Connelly

How to be Alone



When I say, “I’m happy being alone,” I don’t mean alone in the sense that I want to stay in and watch Netflix instead of going to a bar with your friends. I don’t mean being alone in the sense that I’d rather stay in on New Years Eve instead of go to a party, because I wouldn’t. I like social situations. I don’t mean alone as in introverted, I mean alone; physically and emotionally without a mind and body to share the love you feel like you’re bursting at the seams with. Alone in a world where the end-all goal is to share your life with someone and you’re constantly reminded of it in every movie, song and show. By your parents, your friends, your acquaintances, your coworkers, everyone; we’re a society of romanticism. But for me, I think the lack of romance makes us new romantics.


When I was 17, a friend told me, “You have to love yourself first.” And this is common rhetoric; before you can expect other people to love you, you have to love yourself first.


But I stopped hating myself almost two years ago, but did that get me a boyfriend? No.


I don’t think it’s true. I think the notion has good intentions – I think that it’s vital to love yourself, but not doing so doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of someone else’s love. If someone is going to love you, they should love you no matter what, and if someone refuses to love you because you’re a work-in-progress, then they’re not being preferential, they’re not being a good person. So of course, do it for yourself. Love yourself for you, not because you want your confidence to be seen as hot. And if you don’t love yourself, that’s alright – it takes time and work, but don’t look for anyone to save you. This is all a cliché now.


So what about being alone? Honestly, I don’t think anyone deserves to be loved. I think what we all deserve is happiness, and I don’t think being loved should equate to that. Just hear me out: I love myself now, and it didn’t make boys adore me like I was told when I was 17. Maybe sometimes it does bum me out when I hang out with other couples, or I watch a romantic movie and I think about how it’d be nice to have someone to share my life with. But is there shame in being alone? No way.


I’ve taught myself to be not just okay with being alone, but to enjoy it. It’s rooted in disassociating yourself with the inherent human condition for romantic companionship. Separating your want from what other people have is incredibly hard; envy doesn’t just have to be about possession, it can revolve around the envy of a feeling. It’s not necessarily being content with the state of things – it’s okay to strive for the stuff you want, and accepting the state of the universe as-is doesn’t always mean you stop trying, it just means you stop letting trivial things control your well-being. You don’t deserve to find love, because romantic love is not something worthy of controlling your psychological health. You deserve to be happy, and you have to separate your happiness from conditional factors, which includes the opinions of other people and the decision of someone to love you or not. Being loved can be a factor in happiness, but it shouldn't be the defining factor.


Share your love with other people. It’s not always romantic, and we need to stop acting like romantic love is the only thing that matters. No one has to love you, and that’s alright. No one owes me anything, I can’t make someone feel what they don’t, and I can’t make anyone love me. All I can do is love myself and the person I’ve become. I can love the friends I’ve made and I can love the experiences I’ve had. Realizing that I based my self-worth on the way other people saw me was more eye-opening than any relationship with any high-school boy could’ve been. Yeah, I’m sure being in love is great. I’m sure it’s magical, and I’m so happy for the people that have found happiness in being loved by another person. But I hate the rhetoric of “you deserve a good guy,” because no, I don’t deserve happiness based off a man, I deserve happiness because I’m a human. This just perpetuates the idea that happiness is patriarchal. But I’m done pretending that it’s the only way for fulfillment. It’s not a dismal end to think, “it’s okay if I never find someone,” it’s a weight off my shoulders. I may not have found love in my hopeless place, but eventually I found happiness, and that's the entire point.


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